As a Dodo: The Obituaries You'd Really Like to See by SIMON LITTLEFIELD GEORGE POLES


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Friends of Mr Cruise say he will honour the memory of his Deal by continuing to surprise and delight audiences around the world with his ability to stretch himself. His next project is rumoured to be a biopic of Tom Thumb. 56 57 AS A DODO The Bon¿re Night Guy 1606–5 November The Bonfire Night Guy – that traditional, highlyflammable, stuffed effigy of Gunpowder Plotter Guido Fawkes – passed away on 5 November after succumbing to smoke inhalation and horrific thirddegree burns. Fire brigades arriving at the scene of the fire were unable to save The Guy, as they were too busy eating baked potatoes and marshmallows cooked in the embers.

When Mr Blair himself refused to accept the disastrous consequences of long-haul flights for the environment, or the unacceptable size of the scandal footprint left by his free holidays at the homes of bland UK pop stars, The Credentials slipped into a coma before being pronounced dead by green activists and Mr Blair’s own environment minister. The service for Tony Blair’s Green Credentials will be conducted at St Sellafield’s Holy Roman Reprocessing Plant before being leaked into the Irish Sea.

And so it was that Burying Bad News passed away. Burying Bad News will be buried on the day of a much more important story – like Tony Blair rising on the third day or Paris Hilton’s release from prison. It is survived by bad news broadcasting, especially on BBC News 24 and Fox News. 51 BC–AD 2007 The reputation of Egypt’s Queen Cleopatra VII for beauty – a reputation burnished down the ages by such great writers as Lucan, Shakespeare and the authors of short-lived sci-fi show Cleopatra 2525 – has died, choked on a single Roman coin.

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